The Breaking the 4th Wall with Smokey Jane...

8/7/10

Getting Drunk off Cheap Malt Liquor while on the Toilet with my Laptop...


Ok...I'm drinking this flavored beer that I used to get sloshed on back in '09 when I lived with my common-law husband in a haunted apartment in North Carolina.

It was a ghetto-ass apartment back in the 80's when gang-banging was IN.

So many people were killed through their homes in those times because the walls were made out of crackers. 

I'm pretty sure they just stood outside and started shooting through the fucking walls. 
Cheap ass apartments...!

I got so tired of all the spirits floating about with the bad cornrow jobs, handkerchiefs hanging out of their baggy Cross Colour jeans carrying half-empty 40 ounce bottles in their hands asking if I "bang" or not that it was enough to get anyone drinking the cheapest malt liquor they could find. 

Which, of course, was right around the corner. 

Well... anyways, back to the present because I was informed that it was a "gift" and blah blah blah..

I'm currently on the toilet right now...
(Thank you.)
I'm totally drinking out of this tall-ass beer mug that I bought at the dollar store not only for nostalgic purposes...but for the purpose of drinking itself. 
And WHY? Because drinking is AWESOME for writer's block!
Don't JUDGE ME, DAMMIT!!!
I have been on here for a while going through a major drought. 

My stomach felt a little "ready" and as I sat upon the porcelain throne to prepare to "set sail", it seemed as if the crew was still suffering from a little stage fright.

 And I, being a woman of drive and determination, decided to wait patiently for the show to begin...

...after all, I have already paid for a ticket and I'll be damned if I attempt to get my money back now.

I've already invested too much already!!



Thank the Goddess that by being a writer I have a secretive habit of bringing my laptop with me to the toilet (don't tell anybody!) and it just so happens I was in the mood to balance a beer mug of fresh ghetto booze on top like a waitress at AppleBee's with me during the trip.

Thanks God for hands...AND LIVERS!!

Have you ever had one of those fucked-up toilets that were always cycling?
YOU KNOW...
Making that watery-noise like it's in the process of flushing but never fully completes the cycle but continues on through the night until you wake up from your waterfall nightmare and jiggle the handle which nobody else wants to do?

Have you ever defecated like it was the night of the Apocalypse and it was so reliving that you were too scared to flush for fear of overflowing the toilet thus sharing your "gift" with everyone on the floor of your building?

Why is being a plumber one of the most terrible jobs in the entire universe and would be exactly what I think hell would be like? 

(Imagine your naked hand thrusting into the throat of an overloaded toilet bowl for all of eternity...shudder!!)

 I salute you, O mighty plumbers!

Although, you may never get the chance to perform manual stimulation to anyone who knows what you do for a living, I salute you and the job you have chosen for yourself.

Although, I would rather be a whore anyday.

Am I the only person who does NOT look behind oneself after  Number 2-ing? (yes..I it number 2-ing...you gotta problem with that??)

I just don't think it's right to look at your own poo.
I mean...WHY for the love of God?

What if you have to eat afterward? 

Or do anything else for that matter? 

I salute doctors who actually have to INSPECT random stranger's defecation.

Did the interns even know what they were getting themselves into when they plunked down ninety-grand for medical school?
Why would you wanna PAY to look at poo?

I would be an anorexic son of a bitch if I had to look at shit all day.

The end.

Although, I would probubly be used to it after a couple of years.
Those bastards can pretty much eat a fucking ham sandwich while performing an autopsy. 
Or am I watching too much CSI? 


And lest we forget..
My crush...Mike Rowe from "Dirty Jobs"...
Boy, is he a cutey!

( Mike, ...if your into wiping asses..I got your dirty job, sexyboy!!)

Although, I'm quite sure he will probably never have the pleasure of hand-feeding his wife strawberries as a romantic gesture...he will always be remembered for the reasons why most women will never be able to do what he does unless they're ready for hands-free living.

As my ass begins to numb and my visual perception distorts, I raise my beer mug to the ceiling and pay homage to the dirty buggers out there in the world who can take what's in my crude imagination and make it a reality.

Oooh..the kids are at the pool now...gotta wipe down the exit ramps.

Until then...

The Queen..


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